jLOG

Caught Up
- Idiot Box -
written by: Joshua Scott

[verse 1]
I have a tendency
of getting caught up
in your eyes
The words you wanna hear
just won’t come out
This winter’s frozen
in my heart
What can ya do
to thaw me out?

[chorus 1]
What can ya do?
What can ya say?
I never meant
to get into you
What can ya do?
What can ya say?
I never meant
to get into you

funny, how things work out

[verse 2]
I have a tendency
of getting caught up
in your smile
Those times you wanna cry
just make ya scream out loud
This gray sky is fallin’
on me now
What can ya do
to make it shine?

[chorus 2]
What can ya do?
What can ya say?
I never thought
I’d get into you
What can ya do?
What can ya say?
I never thought
I’d get into you

somehow how things work out

It’s been a couple months since my last entry, there’s a lot to talk about I just have been at a loss as far as what to write. So for now I’m going to post lyrics to one of the songs from the movie Once. It’s an amazing song worth listening to. And if you like it I highly recommend watching the movie in all it’s indie glory.

Falling Slowly
Glen Hansard
Once Original Soundtrack

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

I celebrated my 28th birthday this past weekend with my close friends and family. I know, I know you’re thinking “But Josh, you just had a birthday post!” Well I’m posting about it again because this was the scheduled celebratory event. Get over it.

I decided to have a bar-b-que, something I haven’t done in years. After a fun trip all over town buying crap for the shindig my best friend (Amy) and I started the crazy prep work on Saturday. I can be a bit of an OCD stress-case when setting up for parties, probably why I don’t throw them that often. She and my roommate Sara finally forced me to relax and let them take care of some parts of the preparations.

In my eagerness and inexperience with the grill I started the coals burning about an hour before party start. My bad. By the time I went to cook at 3:30 the coals were done and I had to light it all over again. Then being impatient AGAIN I didn’t let the coals burn long enough to stay hot long enough to cook everything so I had to take a grill full of meat off the coals and re-light the thing. Thankfully nothing was burnt nor undercooked, it just took a long time to finish cooking.

Everything else turned out great though, the Greek Salad I made, the potato salad we bought, and the spice-cake Amy made! After everyone was fed they embarrassed me with that awful birthday song.

Later, when the family went home we played some board games and eventually wandered out downtown to Kasbah for Second Saturday. Kasbah is a hookah bar styled in a Mediterranean/middle eastern motif. Amy made friends with the belly dancer and got her to dance for me. It was all fun and games until she got me up to dance with her. If you know me, you know I’m a terrible dancer. It wasn’t pretty but I had fun despite the lack of alcohol in my system. We were seated after about 45 minutes and got our chichi alfuego and hookah. I finally taught myself how to blow smoke rings, I was so excited when it came spiraling out of my mouth! Somehow I ended up being the DD and took Amy and Sara home, I drove, they were passed out.

All in all it was fun times even with the unexpected cooking difficulties.

Today I turned 28. I woke up early for once, got to work early, and now I’m itching to go home. Not that I have anything particularly fun planned, I just kinda want to go home.

This weekend I attended my first Oktoberfest! It was awesome, everything I’d expect it to be. Good food, good beer, and lots of fun people. My friend Alex and I were there from 11:30AM until around 9PM. Needless to say we had plenty of time to sample the brews. I actually ended up sticking with a dark beer. When I say dark I mean DARK, this beer might as well have been crude oil. But damn was it delicious. Luckily the hangover on Sunday wasn’t too bad. By 10AM I was already feeling better.

But anyway, back to my bday. I’ve got nothing planned for tonight so I’m figuring either doing something last minute or it’ll be a quiet night in. We shall see!

Every year as it nears my birthday I begin to have the same worries about where my life is going. I start to look at what I’ve accomplished, where I’m going, how I’m progressing towards my goals. This year is a bit different. I’ve made some drastic changes in my life and what I want to do with it. As a result I’m doing well with the new goals, but I still feel like I’m going nowhere and accomplishing nothing.

I have two years until I’m 30 and my life is nowhere near where I thought it’d be. I’ve had more experiences than I really thought i would at this age. Most of which in areas I didn’t expect. But even with that I’m just left with this empty feeling like I’m wasting the life I’ve been given. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. I’m not helping anyone, I’m not leaving my mark anywhere. I’m just “getting by.” My little brother got married this last Saturday, he’s also going to be having a kid in the somewhat near future. In a way I’m glad. But not because it makes him happy, but because it’s gotten the family off my case about settling down and popping out grand kids for them. I’m not ready to tell them I’m never going to do that. I have nothing against kids or parenthood, I just don’t think it’s right for me.

I keep joking around with my friends that I’m turning into a lecherous old man. My hobbies, interests, and dating habits all seem to support this. I really have no problems going through the rest of my life this way. I’m okay with it. Therein lies the problem, I don’t understand how I can be so comfortable and content having a complete 180 degree view of life from just over a year ago. It’s very foreign to me how content I am just being me and doing my own thing without needing anyone else around. I sit around and play my guitar, smoke cigars, drink, play video games, and play with my dogs and am perfectly content. Alex made a joke that if I had a cowboy hat and boots I’d be a country singer.

All of this leaves me wondering, “Is this it? Is this all I’m here for?” I like my life, I love who I am. So why am I freaking about about approaching 30 so much? It’s just a number. I feel like I’m okay with where my life is going because I have to be okay with it. That if I strove for something else I’d see that I’m failing miserably at it. I just don’t want to grow old and regret making the wrong choices.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about what kind of a person I am. Not in any particular regard, just the basic me.

I was talking with a friend and she read off some personality generalizations from The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and Others In Your Life book. After hearing all the options I determined that I was a 1) Perfectionist and a 2) Giver. Not a terribly good combination, especially how I saw them.

1) Perfectionist
I am overly critical of work I do and do not take compliments or praise well. I never see anything I do as “good enough” to meet my ultra-high standards or expectations. Being an artsy/creative person this trait lends to a lot of anger and frustration in my work. Especially areas I am not proficient in. I have an idealistic view of life that I understand and assume everyone else understands and chooses to ignore. Thus I become frustrated about how ignorant and impolite other people are. In general this aspect of myself makes me extremely negative and spiteful of the world I live in.

2) Giver
I seek attention and companionship by giving of myself excessively. Often I give so much that when I am given little to nothing in return I become angered at the other person who may not even realize just how much I have done for them. I modify my personality or interests to better fit with the people I want to please. I don’t do this as much as some can but I know I adapt well. Another aspect of this trait is that when others attempt to be a #2 (Giver) I am completely turned off by them. I don’t feel the attention I am given is earned or warranted and I immediately want to expel that person from my life. Parts of this trait are good, I am a natural mediator and good friend as long as the effort I put in is equally met by the other person. If done too much this trait can take on very negative aspects in relationships. It can make a person needy, clingy, and dependant. In this way I am less like this and more like #1.

The combination of these traits really doesn’t bode well for me. After hearing these and seeing how well they fit into how I see myself I took some time to really evaluate who I really am.

I really feel like part of me was lost a long time ago. A part that was still innocent and hopeful. Part of me that clung to these ideals about people and life. Something I’ve only begun to realize was gone recently. I have a rather twisted perspective of life now. Not really negative, not really positive. I once valued marriage and starting a family above all else. It was the most important thing in my life. Now if you were to ask me I couldn’t tell you what’s the most important part of my life. I find myself directionless. Not that I had much success when I had a focus before. But my view on life and relationships is a bit skewed now. I have virtually no desire to have children. I have extreme reservations with regards to having a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I have little to no faith that I will have a wife. I find myself seeking the impossible because I take comfort that it cannot be found. What I once dreaded I now find comfort in. I enjoy being alone, it’s simple. It lacks complication. It’s safe. I have filled my life with lots of superficial “meet & greet” situations. I have dogs that love me unconditionally. I have guitars to express myself in a way that can’t be mocked or judged. I have turned a complete 180 from being an extroverted entertainer to being an introverted thinker. I know that neither extreme is good. Life is and always will be about balance, but for now I think I will enjoy taking my time and learning to be me.

I was re-reading the past few months of my blog when I found this entry: Beginning a new chapter

It’s easy to lose sight of your goals and focus when it’s not staring you in the face. And even easier when you have attractive distractions keeping you from progressing.

I really need to get back to what that blog entry was about. Maybe not every single detail but the overall focus was on being more patient, calmer, and less on-edge and reactionary to every little aggravation.

I’ve noticed that I’ve begun to slide back into old habits. Many nights spent doing nothing, staying up late, going to work even later. I’ve been idly ranting about shit that doesn’t matter. Positive conversations turn into negative ones when I start talking. Many things I know I do and don’t like doing. So it’s time to bring that back into focus and stop being such a crotchety “old man.”